...When All is Said and Dunn

Watching the Academy Awards at our house takes on an almost religious feel. The world stops for the 3 1/2 to 4 hours that it is on. The doors are locked and the phone is not answered. Anyone who has ever tried to call us on Oscar Night gets to talk to the answering machine. It is one of those guilty pleasures that we fully indulge in and really enjoy.

Over the last 10 years or so, the pre-show walk on the red carpet has become an integral part of the show. It has always been there but it has really taken on a life of its own, especially now that it's shown on Sunday when everyone is home, as opposed to the years when it was on Mondays. This year for example instead of a 1 hour pre-show by the channel who was showing the awards, KABC, there was a 1- 1/2 hour show with Sam Ruben on KTLA, a 2 hour show on KABC and the excessive coverage of the E! Entertainment channel that went on for a whopping 8 hours.

The Academy Awards pre-show has also spawned a group of bizarre low level celebrities whose only function is to comment on the fashions that the real celebrities are wearing. Most of these celebrity wannabes aren't qualified to comment on what a homeless person is wearing, let alone someone who has been dressed by the best in haute couture.

They are a nasty breed, these fashion weasels, licking their lips and salivating at the possibility that someone will try something different and make a fashion faux pas. When that happens, watch out. They bare their teeth and the feeding frenzy begins. It's as though a piece of raw meat has been thrown into a river full of piranhas.

Of course they don't have the guts to tell them what they are thinking while the person is in front of them. They save it until the person is out of earshot or until the show is over. Then they proceed to dissect each one with all the finesse of a surgeon using a chain saw. Some celebrities, I'm sure, just let it roll off their back. My guess is that the rest take offense at the snide remarks about their outfit that probably took them a lot of time and money to put together. If they missed the mark, so what, at least they tried.

On the KTLA Morning News they had a “fashion commentator” by the name of Laurie Pike. The only time I ever see this weasel is during awards season and I do my best to avoid her. I don't know what she does the rest of the year, but by virtue of the way she dresses, she seems completely unqualified to comment on anyone's attire. As she was giving her “report” she was dressed like a cross between a schoolgirl and a dominatrix.

Then on over to KTTV to Good Day LA where they had weather bimbo Jillian Barbarie as their fashion expert who, on a daily basis, demonstrates her complete lack of fashion sense as well as her inability to give a weather report without attempting to be funny. Whoever told her she has a superior fashion sense was also the same person who told that her brand of truck stop humor was witty. It was probably one of the Hollywood hookers she passes on her way to the studio.

But the patron saints of all of these has to be Joan Rivers and her witless daughter Melissa. These two are the most annoying wastes of space anywhere on the airwaves. Thank God they are relegated to the E! Channel where the masses are not subjected to their evil spewing, and evil it is. With a sadistic delight, they rip to shreds everyone regardless of how good they look. The glee with which they trash every celebrity is beyond annoying, it is absolutely vicious. I have come to the conclusion that the red carpet is not red for celebratory sake - it is so that the blood from their victims will not show.

Personally I don't understand why they, the celebrities, continue to stop to talk to her after the bashing she has given some of them. If I was walking down that carpet the second I saw Joan Rivers my walk would become a run. I would sprint around her so fast I would be nothing but a blur. I think that any one who wants to do this in the future should be licensed and if they are already some needs to revoke Joan and Melissa's.
How does someone like Joan Rivers, who after trying everything under the sun, writing, QVC jewelry salesperson, talk show hostess and attempting to direct in movies, suddenly reinvent herself as the defender of the realm of fashion? Apparently she does not have a mirror, because if she did you would think that she would be smart enough not to open her mouth about what anyone else is wearing. In my humble opinion she was the biggest stain on the carpet. Even during her stand up days, when theoretically she was at her humorous prime, I personally viewed her as Don Rickles without the wit.

Luckily, this year, the celebrities gave them very little to complain about. Most were very conservative in their dress. If body language was any indication, it was a major source of irritation to every one of these snipers laying in wait. So they really had to work at finding something wrong and of course they did, they would not be deterred from their venomous attacks. No matter how petty or lame they came off.

The best fashions of the night, in my opinion, was that of Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park, who showed up dressed in drag in the same dresses that Jennifer Lopez wore to the Golden Globes and Gwyneth Paltrow wore to last years Oscars. It was hilarious. Their parody was appreciated by everyone on the red carpet except for the fashion weasels.

So to those of you out there who view yourself as a fashion maven, in whatever altered reality you exist in, remember this before you open your mouth, look in the mirror before you speak.