...When All is Said and Dunn

Well it was only a matter of time. As the saying goes “everything old is new again”. With the enormous popularity of professional wrestling and other forms of sports entertainment, or sportainment as I like to call it, you had to know that a revival of the Roller Derby was just around the corner. Well we've rounded that corner and it's here.

This new mutation is called Roller Jam and it is definitely not your mom and dad's roller derby. This is the 21st Century version with twice the action and violence of the one that we used to watch when we were kids, but unfortunately, that is the way of the world today. Without all of the choreographed violence it could not hope to attract the legions of pro wrestling fans that it's obviously going after.

This new version leans more towards the 1975 movie “Rollerball” than the version most of us watched in black and white on TV. Even though the early TV version was violent to a certain extent it would not even come close to the cartoon antics of the new one. The stakes have been raised and the pot could be big if its inbred cousin, wrestling, is any indication.

Personally, I am at a loss as to why wrestling has gotten to be as big as it has. With it being common knowledge that the matches are staged and choreographed and that the winners are pre-determined, why has it lasted this long and had such a strong re-birth? The sides of the ring are padded, the floor is on springs to absorb the shock of the falls, and outside the ring the floor is padded. For the participants, who are all steroid filled athletes and muscle men, there isn't much chance of true injury unless there is some gross miscalculation in the set up or staging.

I can see why the kids may dig it, the super human things that these guys do is straight out of comic books. Jumping through the air hitting someone with a metal folding chair and then having that person get up unscathed. What I always do when my son is watching it is to make sure that he realizes that it is fake and that you can't hit someone with a folding chair and expect them to get up. Just like our parents reminded us that Superman could jump off a roof and not get a scratch, but if a kid did it, you would end up breaking both of your legs.

The big difference here is that with “professional” wrestling there are adults, granted not very smart adults, who believe this “sportainment” is real. By real I mean you can do dangerous things like they do and there are no consequences. Which, of course, means that they are telling their kids it is real and that is scary. I'm sure that a lot of these kids will be the ones who are going to be expelled from school for fighting or hitting someone with a metal trash can and expecting them not to need stitches. That bad sportsmanship is cool and it is O.K. to gloat over your defeated enemies.

What is going to take a little more explanation is the new Roller Jam. As this show grows in popularity, and with almost every kid around using inline skates, I can see the potential for some bad accidents happening. For those of you who haven't seen this new version yet, by the way the California team is called the “Quakes”, let me warn you up front, if your kids have watched it, and they rollerblade, make sure they wear pads and helmets.

In Roller Jam they skate at between 35 and 40 miles per hour and while they wear small helmets they wear very little padding and you can't pad a roller rink floor. Just outside the rink there is no padding, nothing but a concrete floor, and the skaters are thrown out of the rink regularly. I have seen skaters leap through the air and land in all sorts of positions, on their backs, faces, and sides. After seeing a recent interview with some of the participants it is not only as painful as it looks, but has resulted in serious injury, broken arms, legs, and ribs.

It is only a matter of time before some of these kids start mimicking the “moves” of their favorite “jammers” and “blockers”, as the skaters' positions are called. And if you don't think they will imitate them, boy have you got your blinders on. Think about how many times you've seen kids pretending to be “The Rock”, Steve Austin or “Hollywood” Hogan.

And don't think this applies just to the boys. There are female Roller Jammers as well and what a group of hard core babes they are, and they are equally as rough as the guys are. As I was watching the interview mentioned above, I was stunned as one of these debutantes on wheels kicked an opposing female skater in the head with her skate. That type of stuff can't be faked and I don't know about you, but this isn't someone I want my daughter looking up to as a role model.

They have also set it up to cover all the bases in case your daughter doesn't relate to the girls.

They have guys, guys that aren't the typical muscle bound types. What are they? Well let's just call them N'Sync Roller Boys. They are already drawing groupies to their matches toting signs and screaming their names. Oh gee, I hope my daughter starts dating one of these boneheads, maybe she'll marry him and I'll get free tickets to all the matches and get to hang out afterwards with all the skaters. Oh my God, I would rather chew on a piece of tin foil with a mouth full of gold fillings.

You've been warned. When you hear the terms jammers, blockers, and Quakes, don't act as though someone has just kicked you in the head with an inline skate.