...When All is Said and Dunn

The above phrase is a familiar one to anybody who has played or watched a Little League game.

It is the secret code that is used by managers, coaches, players, and meddling parents to get the attention of an umpire at a Little League game. The secret is not that deep, considering the umpires wear blue shirts; the name is self-explanatory and it fits.

Now before I go any further, and for those of you who are already jumping to the conclusion that this article is about Little League, calm down, it's not. I promised my wife that I would hold off on that until both kids have gone through the system. At this point I am relegated to just making notes. Considering it will be a few years until they are done, and at the rate it is going, I will have to write a book and it will probably be longer than “War and Peace.”

This article is only about umpires and how not all are created equal, and how most, no matter how long they have been doing it, will never please everyone at every game. Now again, before any of you conclusion jumpers start doing what you do best, these guys, the umpires, are fair game as far as I'm concerned. Why? Because they are not volunteers, that's why. They are paid, granted not much considering the amount of abuse they are potentially setting themselves up for, but they are paid.

They come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and races. They all have their own particular styles and quirks, but they are the ones who are in control of the game from first pitch to last. They are the kings of our kids' kingdom for the two hours they preside over that game. And like the Queen of Hearts, if you disagree with him too loudly, it's off with your head, I mean, out of the ballpark. Some people have a hard time with this concept but they learn quickly that you don't argue with the king.

My daughter is in American League Softball and my son is in National League Baseball so I have been exposed to a pretty wide variety of these guys. And as I see the same umpires over and over, I have noticed that the ones that suck at one game are, nine times out of ten, going to suck at every game. You may think that if they make a bad call it is an isolated occurrence, but it's not. The chances are, if there is a game after the one you came to see, and it has the same umpire, you will see the same bad calls again. Trust me.

At the beginning of each game the “blue” meets with the managers of both teams at which time he explains his take on the world. They basically “inform” the managers of how they will be calling the game. “I have a very liberal strike zone” one with glasses thick enough to be lenses for the Hubble Telescope may say. Which in blue-speak means I can't see a damn thing so I will call every pitch at random and if you don't like it, off with your head. It can also mean, I will be calling every pitch based on how I feel at that particular moment, heaven help you if I have gas. And if you think I'm wrong keep it to yourself Mr. or Ms Manager. And if you don't like it, when your batters are at the plate you could be seeing a lot more strikes; after all I did say “liberal strike zone.” It's kind of like crossing your fingers when you make a promise.

Not all of the umpires we have had this year have been bad and in many cases offer some entertainment with their calls. Some of these guys really get into their job, giving the crowd and the players a running oratory and explanation of each call. One blue in particular comes to mind. His name is Ed. To watch and listen to him, I guarantee that even when he makes a questionable call, some of the sting is removed just by his enthusiasm and running commentary. By the way Ed, stop flirting with my wife during the games, please wait until afterwards.

All of these “blues” have real jobs, and I have been told they are as diverse as dentists, gas station attendants, and lawyers. In my imagination, I picture occupations that coincide with the way that they make their calls. Game show host, air traffic controller, karate instructor, traffic cop, professional boxer, frustrated actor, orchestra conductor, or the guy who runs the crap table in Vegas. All of these professions could easily fit each blue I have seen this year.

I have been reminded that the job is tough and that and no one person can see everything,. Hell, even in the Major and Junior Leagues where they have two “blues” at every game, they still can't see everything. But blaming the “blue” has become the typical cop-out by the losing team, their coaches, parents, and the players. Yeah, it was the “blue” that played those last six innings, not the kids. Do you think maybe the kids just didn't play well?

My own son started blaming the “blue” for losing last year after hearing his coach saying it was "the blue's fault” and it has taken me almost a year to de-program him from this way of thinking.

So the next time one of you parents can't let the game go when it's over, think about it before you want to argue with the “blue” all the way to his car. How would you like it if after you screwed up at work someone continued to bitch at you as you made your way to your car after work?

You don't have to answer that, I think we all know the response to that question. You'd probably feel very blue.