...When All is Said and Dunn

They come to our neighborhoods uninvited and without warning. They create a blight on our landscapes and the longer they remain on our streets the more we hate the way that they look. They must be driven from our communities as soon as possible before their numbers multiply. If we don't start controlling them now it will soon be too late.

I am talking about those mysterious creatures, the wild and unpredictable shopping carts. You may think these metal and plastic servants to man are inanimate, but they LIVE! They are instructed to remain on the premises of the stores that tag and brand them when they arrive, but these beasts are headstrong and when they choose to, they bolt and run free.

They seem to have some kind of mystical force that drives them because they will appear out of nowhere and remain motionless as though they are daring you to confront them. Their psychic abilities are keen and they know when you are about to make your move. You will pass one in your car and think "Well, maybe one of the cart wranglers, you know the guys who drive around in the flat bed trucks, will come by and scoop it up soon." But these carts are smart. As soon as you're not looking, they move themselves without anyone seeing them.

When you come by again they have inched their way further down the street trying to infiltrate our yards. What is their agenda and where are they going? There is no rhyme or reason to their mass exodus other than to escape whatever persecution they are experiencing at the hands of the markets they are serving.

I have seen many a cart with damaged wheels and handles being mercilessly bullied around the market and parking lots by large, poorly dressed women with tattoos. Sometimes abandoned far from their herds at the front of the stores, and left to their own devices, they see the opportunity for a better life and off they go, wandering aimlessly around the community looking for the promised land.

Many times I feel as though they get lost in their quest in reaching nirvana, that is unless their idea of nirvana is an empty lot overgrown with weeds next to a discarded couch with trash scattered around. Sad little carts forgotten, sit silent and rusting. Not even considered in good enough condition to be reclaimed by the cart bounty hunters who look for wayward carts and collect them for money.

A far more ominous fate awaits the more bold carts, the ones who are clever enough to go undetected for longer periods of time. They run the risk of being captured by a homeless person, which for a shopping cart is like being sold into slavery. They are forced to carry ten times the weight that they are designed to carry and are pushed all over creation for eternity. For a shopping cart this equates to a living hell. Oh, little runaway cart, if you had only stayed in the parking lot where you belong, you would be much happier now.

Technology is finally stepping in to help our little chrome friends by way of a new electronic device that prevents them from going beyond the boundaries of the store parking lots. Think of an ankle bracelet that prevents you from walking past your front door. If the little fellas can't restrain themselves, by God we will do it for them. You see there aren't any activist groups out there to protect this minority. No Association for the Preservation of Shopping Carts, Anti Rust League, or The Metal and Plastic Alliance.

You can bet if they were made of wood or came from Cuba, there would be tons of people like the Sierra Club and the Miami relatives just dying to protest.

So until our local stores get on the electronic track and install the wheel lock system, there is one of two things you can do. Just like with any runaway, you can turn them in by calling the Cart Police at 800-252-4613 or you can corral them up and wait for the bounty hunters to come by and get them.

But while you're doing it, don't take your eyes off them, because they're sneaky little critters.