...When All is Said and Dunn

You are in a hurry and all you want to do is make your purchase and get out of the store. The clock is ticking. You have grabbed the last item on your list, which is longer than the Declaration of Independence, and you turn the corner heading for the check out line.

There in front of you is a scene that every shopper dreads. Lines that stretch and wind like a snake. Then as you survey the situation you see what raises the ire of every shopper. The fact that there are 10 checkout stands and only 2 checkers. This is one of life's little cruel little jokes that ticks me off more than you could ever imagine.

Do the managers of all these stores get together to create this little conspiracy? Do they meet in dark smoke-filled rooms like members of the Mafia to create monumental wastes of time for the communities that they pretend to serve? I think they do. It's a plot to sap our energies and slow us down. Drain us of our energy so we are unable to complete the tasks we have set for ourselves in the miniscule amount of time that is left over between Little League, Soccer, and school functions.

Maybe it's something they teach in retail management school because it happens everywhere. You can go to any grocery, drug, or warehouse style store and the scene plays out the same every time. There have been times when I have gone to Sam's Club, which I believe has somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 check stands, and only 2 are open. In the 2 lines that are open there are easily eight people waiting in each line.

As always, by the time you get within striking distance of the check-out, after waiting 20 minutes to get there, all of a sudden, like magic, three more check stands open and the new checkers take people from behind you in line. Well of course, that's what Murphy's Law is all about.

And while we are on the subject of Sam's Club, and Costco for that matter, you guys really need to keep your little food sample stands in check. First, let's try to position them a little better. It never fails, that wherever you put the woman who is trying to get me to try the artichoke paté, it is always right in front of what I am there to get in the first place.

Second, have them lighten up on their sales tactics. When I come in, I am there to shop, not have lunch or dinner. I know that most of the women in stretch pants and the guys in sweat suits come there to eat more than they buy, but I don't. So lighten up when I say no to the anchovies in aspic. Some of these taste pushers actually get indignant when you say no, like they own the company or developed the recipe. Relax, it's nothing personal. I just don't like to eat when I shop. If you want to entice me with something, try handing out lobster with butter.

By the way, and this is really important, when my kids, who are my taste testers, are with me and they want to try what you're pushing, don't tell them no until you see me. And possibly, even more importantly, don't treat them with any less respect than you would exhibit towards me. If they like the food you're pushing, the chances are I will buy it. If you send them packing until you see me, I will come over, make sure they get their sample, and move on. Remember, your attitude reflects on the company you are representing.

Whoa -- I kinda got off the subject there for a moment, but that has been something that has been bugging me for a while and it felt good to get it off my chest. Well, back to the task at hand.

Grocery stores, Oh Lord is that a place where lines can make you go insane. If it's not the 2 checkers with 20 customers syndrome, it's the 1 regular checker and the express lane open only syndrome. Of course that's the time when you have 11 items and it's 10 items or less.

My better half witnessed something in the express lane that would have made me go off. I thought she would have confronted this individual, and knowing my wife, I was shocked that she didn't. This “person” was in the 10 items or less line with 15 items, strike one. She proceeds to put her items on the conveyor belt, strike two. Then she puts five of her items up, puts one of the dividers that separates the orders, and then puts up her other 10 items, effectively dividing her one order into two. Strike three, game over.

I would have gently addressed this woman by saying something like “Excuse me, but are you a complete illiterate?” or “What part of 10 items only don't you understand you moron?” What does the checker do? Nothing, of course, because most checkers let customers in the express lanes just roll over them for fear of any confrontation. What the stores need to do is put their biggest and meanest looking checker in the express lane. Someone who has that “don't mess with me" look. Then the managers have to give their checkers the power to tell customers to get into another line. You know give him, or her, the authority to enact a line item veto.

The absolute worst line up is at any chain drug store. What in the Hell are the managers of these places thinking? I'm convinced they get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of watching us squirm as we wait in endless lines as the ever present “trainee” learns how to master the cash register. Why, oh why, can't you train these people on your time not mine? I can picture the manager behind the one way glass looking down at all of us laughing maniacally at our plight.

If all of those extra check stands are there just for looks, do all of us consumers a favor, get rid of them or use them. All they are doing now is building up unfulfilled hopes that we can get out of your stores in a timely fashion with a minimum of lines.