...When All is Said and Dunn

When it's time for me to sit down and bang out my weekly tirade, most of the time I have to really look for something to write about. The droughts seem to far outweigh the times of plenty. There have been weeks when Editor Baskin has called me, on the day before my deadline, to ask what I am going to write about and if I had any ideas for him. Nine times out of ten my answer is “I don't have a clue yet and when I do come up with something the chances are I'll be using it myself.”

Then there are weeks, like this one, when every time I turned around there was someone or something right in my face pissing me off. Feast or famine, when it rains it pours, and every other old saying you can think of that means the same thing. All the woodpeckers seemed to be out in full force, chewing up the scenery, and running with abandon in and around my life.

The week began, as usual, with me dropping my kids off at school. The usual suspects were all in attendance committing their normal driving transgressions on the other morning motorists. When from out of nowhere came a terrorist who was either having a bad morning, had not had his coffee yet, had too much coffee, or was late for work.

He seemed to be in a race for his life. Apparently he thought that his child was the only one that needed to be dropped off at school that morning. First, at a four way stop with three other people already there waiting, he runs the stop sign, nearly hitting the crossing guard and a couple of kids who were crossing the street. Then, as opposed to waiting in line in the circle drive drop off zone where you drop off the kids to the right, he passes the waiting cars on the left side. It didn't seem to matter that there is no left lane there, I guess traveling at the high rate of speed he was going, he didn't notice. He shoots to the front of the line, cutting off everyone who was already there. Then with his kid barely out of the car he speeds out of the drive cutting off pedestrians and oncoming traffic as well.

Whatever the reason for his dangerous behavior it so infuriated me that I wrote down his license number and make and model of his car. I even went as far as following him home and getting his address so I could report him to the Sheriffs department. Nobody is going to endanger the lives of children in front of me and get away with it.

With the information of my investigation in hand, I get back to my office and call the Sheriffs to report him. I go through a series of transfers until I was dropped onto the voicemail of a deputy who I was supposed to report it to. I left my information and my phone number with a request to call me back so I could be sure that my report had been received and by the right person. As of this writing, which is a week later, I have not gotten a call back. I am sure the perpetrator has moved to Bolivia or Indianapolis by now.

A few days later I stopped at Valu Mart to pick up a few items. As I approach the check out line two Chinese tourists run in front of me shortly before I get there. Gee, I didn't know I was in a race to the check stand, I apparently didn't hear the starter's pistol.

Once there, I start putting my groceries on the conveyer belt. After putting a couple of items up I look in front of me and notice the 2 had become 3. I looked back at my shopping cart, cocked my head like a dog that had seen something it did not understand, and just shook my head. Maybe I just miscounted initially. I continued on with emptying my cart.

I was close to finishing when, while still bent over my cart, I glanced in front of me and lo and behold the 3 had become 5. Now wait just a damn minute what the hell is going on here? As I reach for the last item in my cart I look to my left and see someone trying to go behind my back into the line in front of me. I quickly move to my right, body checking the individual while saying “Excuse Me” in hopes of letting him know that he needed to get in line behind me. He gets the message and retreats.

As I survey the 5 male tourists in front of me, and I am assuming they are tourists because they are all speaking Chinese, wearing suits and ties and a couple had cameras hanging around their necks, I notice that none of them have more than three items and are all paying separately. I began to look closer at what they were buying and it was bizarre, they were all buying stick deodorant. Then I looked behind me, and another 5 also buying deodorant had joined the last one who tried to pass me.

I felt as though I had stepped into a Fellini movie. The store wasn't having a sale on deodorant, and while I am all for personal hygiene this was just a little too weird of a scene for me to be handling at 8:30 at night after a long day of work. Maybe I was wrong.

If they weren't tourists, maybe this was some rude Asian cult who like to cut in front of people in lines and didn't like to sweat. Whatever they were, they should really work on their manners.

Speaking of manners, my last degree of irritation, at least for this article, came during my son's soccer game on Saturday. In attendance was a grandmother of one of the players on the opposing team who was out of control. It wasn't as though she was attacking the referees like Grandmastein did last year, but she was irritating everyone attending the game.

From the beginning of the game until the end she screeched non-stop to her grandson and his teammates. She yelled her praises to little “Johnny” in a voice that was akin to running one's fingernails across a chalkboard, and cheered when our team missed the ball. She continually moved in front of people who were attempting to watch their sons and grandsons play the game. When asked if she would please move back so everyone could see, this rude banshee all but ignored our requests. When asked to please tone it down a bit she responded by hissing “It's my grandson and I can do what I want!”

As she continued her sonic assault on everyone's ears, I watched as those along the sidelines searched their purses and coolers for any sort of weapon that would put her out of our misery. I personally wanted to club her like a baby seal. I have never heard any thing that could drown out the flocks of screaming parrots that circle Live Oak Park, that was until then. And on a personal note, anyone who is in their late 60's should not even have a pair of tight fitting designer jeans in their wardrobe.

Most parents and grandparents attending a soccer match get excited and shout out either instructions or compliments to the young players, but in moderation. It goes with the territory. But when you escalate your volume for the sake of further raising the ire of those around you, you've got to seek either psychiatric help or take some courses in anger management. I heard it did wonders for Tommy Lee.

So to all of those who are abusive or irritating, no matter whether it's behind the wheel, in line at the store, or at a soccer game -- remember that one cosmic constant in life. What goes around comes around.