...When All is Said and Dunn

In a couple of weeks, CBS will begin its next assault on the American psyche with the next generation of the television series “Survivor.” If last season’s ratings for the show are any indication, America is ready and waiting for the next attack.

The advertising blitz has already begun and you would be hard pressed to avoid it in one medium or another. You can’t turn on a TV or radio, open a paper or a magazine, without hearing or seeing something about the show. It is premiering immediately following the Super Bowl and with the way it is being presented, I get the feeling the Super Bowl is secondary in importance. It will be interesting to see whose ratings are higher the morning after.

I find it mind boggling that anyone really cares that much about what a group of people, who I found to be boring at best, do on a desert island or the Australian outback. I guess I am in the minority here, because tons of people are watching it. I even had to tune in towards the end of last season for no other reason than to see what all the hubbub was about. After it was over I was still wondering.

I guess it’s tasty television when you get to watch the “real life” betrayal of a group of people in a make- believe society. The vicious back-stabbing and wholesale destruction of peoples’ hopes in front of a national viewing audience is just how I want to be entertained. Like I don’t get enough of that crap in dealing with people in every other facet in my life that I need to be “entertained” by it after hours.

The other thing I just don’t get is the celebrity factor. What makes these people so special that they are wanted or needed for commercials and advertisements? Why would I want to buy anything from someone who is so dumb that they would subject themselves to weeks of unbearable conditions for money? There are other people in our society that do this. They are called prostitutes, and they are arrested for the practice.

Although these goof balls are not arrested, but should be, they get to hang out with Regis, Dave and Jay, be on Hollywood Squares, and sell lip balm. Why? They should all be in counseling somewhere, or better yet, be sent back to the island and not told where the cameras are. That way, we could see how they would really react to the situations set before them. I can only hope it would have the same results as the Donner Party had. Now that would get some good ratings.

What I would like to see are some hybrids or theme versions of this show. If you are going to go through all the gyrations of hand picking the group, let’s put together a group of people that are a little more interesting than bartenders, motivational speakers, and correction officers. Let’s put some of the truly competitive members of our society out there and see what goes down.

How about a Professional Basketball/Football Survivor theme? The only casting prerequisite is that they have to have been convicted of a felony. With that little stipulation, they would have enough contestants for three or four seasons, maybe even enough to run into the next millennium! I think that would present some interesting situations if you put a group of overpaid, egotistical thugs like that together.

Or how about a group of Pop Music Divas? Let’s put Mariah Carey, Cher, Bette Midler, Diana Ross, and Celine Dion together and see what happens. Just picture that group together wearing less than what they usually wear, if that’s possible, for a minute. Then imagine the backstabbing and the catfights that would inevitably ensue. Hell, I would actually pay to see that, especially if there was the possibility of seeing Celine Dion being eaten by insects and having a rat for dinner.

Maybe a couple of heavy metal rock bands, especially unsigned ones. They probably wouldn’t notice the difference in their environment outside of the improvement. Most of them, being starving musicians, would eat anything, so there could be some pretty interesting culinary choices. Also, as a grand finale to the series, they could trash the island like they do to hotel rooms when they are on tour. Rock and roll!

These are a few examples of what I came up with. I'm sure if you let your imagination go, you can come up with a more interesting group than the first one led by a fat naked guy or the current one that looks like the cast of Dawson’s Creek.