...When All is Said and Dunn

A couple of weeks ago, the sports world took one-step closer to the nihilist vision of the movie “Rollerball” when the XFL took to the airwaves. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, nor am I saying that I didn’t enjoy it to a certain degree. All I’m doing is pointing out that one of the most violent sports on our planet just got a little bit rougher.

That is not to say that there are not some ghosts in the machine. I think that once it has gone through some fine-tuning it will actually be more entertaining to watch than conventional football. At this point in time it seems as though the creators threw in everything they could think of in order to distance itself from the NFL. In doing so, they have overloaded the system beyond extreme.

This league, for those of you who don’t know, is the brainchild of Vince McMahon, the wrestling promoter who gave the world the WWF. That’s the World Wrestling Federation, in case you don’t have any 9- to 15-year old boys in your life. And what Mr. McMahon has done is combined the elements that made the WWF so popular into football. Some of it works and some of it they should loose.

Like the fireworks that explode when any team scores a touchdown. That is great. It really adds to the festivities. It actually makes it more of an event. Also, the speed at which they play is great, too. I have never seen a football game have the pace that one of these games has. It looks like they are all on amphetamines or drank an entire pot of coffee. They also have some interesting names like the New Jersey Hitmen, the Las Vegas Outlaws, the Chicago Enforcers and our team, the Los Angeles Xtreme.

One thing that helps speed the game up is that there are far fewer penalties and no coach's challenges. They just play and play hard. Well, as hard as a group of over-aged, below-par football players can. All I can say is that they try and put on a good show, which is more than I can say for a lot of the overpaid prima donnas in the NFL.

After that, things start to get a little seedy. While one of my favorite things about any sporting event is the cheerleaders, there seems to be something a little off about the ones in the XFL. Maybe it’s their outfits or maybe it’s the girls themselves. I know they are trying to be sexy but I’m sorry, they just look slutty. They look like a cross between hookers and cut-rate Vegas showgirls. It’s obvious that Vince McMahon had a hand in picking them or, at the very least, setting the standards for which they are chosen. Just look at any of the female wrestlers. Most of the cheerleaders look just like wrestlers, except without the steroids.

Then there is the worst mistake they have made. They are letting all of the players speak on camera. This is a major mistake for all parties involved. Everyone knows that most football players are better seen and not heard. If anyone wants to debate this fact just turn on the next XFL game.

Anytime a player does anything of consequence on the field Sportscaster Fred Roggin is “Johnny on the Spot” with an interview. The player doesn’t even have time to catch his breath. Not that his being out of breath is a factor in how belligerent the players come off. I’m sure that if any one of them was at home sitting in his recliner and asked the same questions about his performance, he would still come off sounding like an illiterate buffoon. There is a reason that the NFL does not interview all of the players. The interviews in the XFL are a prime example as to why. As it has been said before, it’s better to let somebody think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

In the scheme of things, the XFL is still an infant. Like any child, it needs to learn from its mistakes. For all of his blustery bravado, I think that Vince McMahon may have hit on something good, but only time will tell.

The Shrub Speaks: "We’re concerned about AIDS inside our White House–make no mistake about it."
Washington, D.C., February 7, 2001