...When All is Said and Dunn

I almost submitted a repeat this week just because of all the extracurricular activities that have been going on and leading up to this week’s deadline. The Major League Girls All Star Game, snack bar duty, summer school, being Mr. Mom, and trying to do my job all at the same time. Writing this column often becomes the last in the chain of things to do.

But I began to realize that with more games and vacation looming on the horizon that I better save my “get out of my column this week” card for later. Besides, I did find something that had gotten under my skin and needed to be written about, at least in my weird little mind.

As I just mentioned, the girls Major League Softball All Star games have been a part of my life now for weeks and I am proud to say that my daughter Rachel and her teammates were victorious in their quest to be the champs of District 18. You can read all about that elsewhere in this edition of the paper. Fantastic job girls! Although you gave us a few heart palpitations in the process. But even when you were down you never gave up. Like Manager Mark Ferrari put it, “It was a lot like Mister Toad’s Wild Ride.”

But a big part of that wild ride did not lie solely on the shoulders of the girls, it had a lot to do with the umpires in the final games. Of course emotions run much higher when a championship is on the line and in softball and baseball that means you are scrutinizing every play and every call.

I am still new to this Little League thing in comparison to some, but you don’t have to have years of experience in order to tell when someone is doing a bad job. In the case of umpiring, you just need to have eyes and good positioning.

In the past, I have expressed my appreciation of the job that the umpires do and how difficult their job must be, especially at the Little League level. I have also mentioned how some umpires actually add to the enjoyment of the game. I have also made my distaste known of the parents who think they are going to change the umpire’s call by shouting at them.

I never understood their venom towards a particular umpire when they showed up for a game. It seems that some of these umpires have quite the reputation when it comes to the fans and the parents. The mere sight of them starts the adrenaline racing in some parents and in the case of the comedy duo that were in the field and behind the plate at our last game, I am afraid that I have become one of them.

Since you don’t usually get to know the names of the umpires, the two umpires in question for our last game have been given many nicknames either due to their physical attributes or attire. Contestant number one we will refer to as “El Grande”, use your imagination, and the second many like to call “The Great Pumpkin” referring to the Cal Trans orange-colored shirt that he wears to every game. I personally think it’s because that’s what’s on his shoulders.

His orange Cal Trans shirt seemed to be the topic of debate amongst some spectators, including “Yoda” Baskin who was at the game and has been involved with Little League longer than dirt. Many felt that he should be wearing the traditional blue that all of the other umpires wear, citing his orange shirt as a distraction to the pitchers. This only makes sense considering that the pitchers can’t wear white sliding shorts while pitching as it is considered a distraction to the batters. What is good for the goose should be good for the Pumpkin.

While in the stands or standing with others by the fence you hear many of the little catch phrases to try and justify inept calls and laziness by the umpires. “Well at least he’s consistent.” “He just has a small/big strike zone.” “He’s just calling them like he sees them.”

El Grande, who in this game had the field, had a problem that seemed to lie in the fact that the short jog from first to second was too much of a bother or too strenuous so he never quite got there in time to get a visual on the call. His philosophy seemed to be, when in doubt, you’re out. When the coaches asked for a second opinion from the Pumpkin he didn’t seem to want to embarrass his little buddy so regardless of whether he saw it or not, The Pumpkin just nodded his head in agreement. These guys were consistent all right, consistently bad.

The one thing that everybody agreed on is that this pair of umpires was terrible and this was coming from the winning team. Had we been the losers, you could chalk it up to sour grapes, but we were victorious and people for a long time will be talking about the fact that these two were the worst umpires they have ever seen.

The Pumpkin, whom I have seen perform both in the field and at home, seems to be far more dangerous when he is behind the plate.

He also has an attitude like no other umpire I have seen. He has little to no patience with any of the members of the crowd. He will stop the game in order to have a verbal exchange with people in the stands who may be questioning his call. He will dramatically call time, thrust off his mask and proceed to engage in a heated verbal exchange that is akin to a child berating a playmate for calling him a name on the playground.

I can see an umpire stopping the game in order to give a particularly abusive fan a warning, but this guy will stop play for the slightest objection. He also thinks that he is witty when he does this. That somehow he is gaining the respect of others in the stands with his short-tempered witless retorts. All he is achieving is stealing moments from the game that belong to the players and the fans.

Objections to the umpires are part of the game and he should learn to deal with it. First of all, he is getting paid to do his job and nobody is forcing him to do it, he chose to do it. Second, he has to know that it wasn’t central casting that got him this role, he did, and that role is as a judge and in most instances as villain. If he didn’t know this going in, he had to have gotten the drift after a few games.

With their performances being as inept as they consistently are, the only suggestion that I can offer these two is what is sometimes suggested to bad golfers, take a year off, then quit.

The Shrub speaks: “Europe should have more countries.” - June 14, 2001 while in Sweden