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Many moons ago, at my wife’s suggestion, I pruned and shaped our bamboo bush in the backyard. She saw the design in a home improvement magazine and it consisted of removing all of the foliage below the middle of the bush, all around the multiple stalks, and leaving a thick top shaped in a ball.
It sounded and looked easy enough in the magazine. Halfway through the project I came to the realization that this was not going to be an easy feat to complete. But complete it I did and I had the scares to show for it. My wife was pleased and I was pleased that she was pleased with the outcome.
When my dad came by a few days later and was surveying my work and wounds, he asked where I came up with the idea. As I explained its origin his eyes widened, then narrowed as he began to shake his head. If you read this column with any consistency, you will probably remember that I refer to my mom as “Martha Stewart.” She is always working on numerous projects, many of which involve my dad. So as he spoke it was as if Yoda was giving advise to a young Jedi, “Do everything you can to keep those types of magazines out of the house. Otherwise you will be doing these types of projects every weekend. If they come in the mail, throw them away immediately.”
I did my best for years to adhere to this mantra watching for any intruders to my weekend or free time bliss, keeping my home improvement projects to a minimum. Then it came, without warning from across the pond, as the English say. An American version of a popular home improvement show called “Changing Rooms.” Its colonial counterpart would be called “Trading Spaces.” I could see the writing on the wall, or the TV screen if you will.
In case you haven’t seen the show or don’t have cable, the premise is simple. You have two neighbors, two rooms, two designers, and one carpenter. The object is for the neighbors, with the help of the designers, to redesign each other’s rooms within two days at a cost of no more than $1,000.00. This show, just by virtue of watching it, gives everyone the idea that they too, can redecorate, leading to more weekend projects.
At first I found it entertaining and went along with the program, tuning in every Saturday night to catch the new episode. Again, when my wife is happy, so am I. But as time passed, so did my interest in the show. There were many things that started bugging me about the program.
The first thing to start getting on my nerves was the designers themselves. Just like a sitcom, or a dramatic series, you begin to know the characters and what to expect from them. In some cases that can be a good thing, in others it can be downright annoying, especially when you discover what that person is like. The difference here is that these designers are not portraying a fictional character. What you see is who they are and what kind of design plans you can expect from each of them. After a while, it starts to become boring.
When you see Frank is one of the designers, you know you are going to be getting some sickening looking country themed room. With Genevieve, you can expect the room colors to be to be based on whatever she had for lunch that afternoon or what piece of jewelry she put on that morning. In each scenario, the results can be disastrous. Then you have Kia, who despite her background in set decoration for movies like “The Sixth Sense” is an absolute nightmare on this show. I have yet to see her put together a room that was even close to being livable. One room that she designed had the owners calling it something akin to a cemetery plot. I wouldn’t allow this woman to decorate my dog’s house, if I had a dog that is. What is even more frustrating about her is that she actually thinks her designs work. I guess that’s where her unjustifiable arrogance comes from.
Speaking of unjustifiable arrogance, you have insufferably arrogant Doug, who is what I refer to as a design Nazi. One of the things that the people can do, who are having their rooms redone, is to request that certain items not be touched or changed. Usually when Doug hears these requests he adopts this attitude, which is not unlike a spoiled child, and does whatever he wants. This usually includes touching or changing the exact items that the homeowners requested not be touched. This just makes me want to paint him moss green and attach him to a ceiling fan and turn it on high.
The closest thing you have to a sure bet on this show is my man Vern. Vern is the only one out of all of these loonies who I would feel safe about touching anything that I own. His designs always look classy and even at his worst, his designs have been far and away better than the rest.
The second thing that started getting under my skin was the fact that they began redoing rooms, that in my opinion, didn’t need to be redone. If the room looks fine to begin with why bother? If it’s not broken why fix it? I doubt seriously if there is a drought of rooms that need to be redesigned in this country. If there is, then maybe they should start looking towards the trailer parks. You could probably do a whole trailer for $1,000.00. They could come up with a new show, “Trading Trailers”.
Now that “Trading Spaces” has become such a hit, here comes the copycats. All I see are new shows borrowing from their concept in droves. Design on a Dime and a family version of Trading Spaces are only two of the latest entries in the fold and I am sure they won’t be the last.
The more shows that keep coming our way, the more ideas for weekend chores are being thrust our way. All they do is eat up all of those pesky extra hours that clutter up our weekends.
So thanks dad for the advice, but like I keep telling you, you can’t fight technology.
The Shrub Speaks: There are some who feel that the conditions [in Iraq] are such that they can attack us there. My answer is "Bring 'em on!" Washington, D.C., Jul. 2, 2003
- B.D.’s response: That’s our Dubya, always thinking of the safety of our servicemen!
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