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There is a commercial currently running on TV for Blue Cross where we see a couple lying in bed. The husband is looking at a book and is reading potential baby names to his pregnant wife. “Thor? Dieter? Schlomo?” he reads. Finally his wife grabs the book out of his hands saying, “What kind of baby name book is that?” She turns to the cover to show us a Blue Cross physicians’ directory. Cute, sad but cute.
Giving your child a name is one of the most important duties you have as a parent because that moniker is going to follow them for the rest of their lives, or at least until they turn eighteen and can have it legally changed. Why some parents feel compelled to reinvent the wheel when it comes to naming their kids is beyond me.
I have touched on this topic in the past but as more and more people, especially celebrities, have children it seems like all the rules have flown out of the window. Maybe rules may be the wrong word; I guess I should say common sense. It is as though the parents are naming their kids for themselves thinking of them as cute, as opposed to thinking about the long-term ramifications that it could possibly have on the child.
One thing that hasn’t changed over the years is the way that kids treat other kids. You still have, and always will have, one group of kids that enjoys taunting the other kids no matter what the dynamics are. When they are at school, out of view of their parents’ protective and watchful eyes is when the name-calling and snide little remarks take place.
Just like when we were kids, as well as our parents and grandparents, the school yard punks and bullies make sure that they are out of ear shot of the teachers, but they make equally sure that at least some of the other kids can hear. Giving your kid a name that increases the possibilities of being targeted by one of these parasites, in my opinion, is stacking the cards against them before they can even walk.
But some parents just like to roll the dice and for some it pays off. Just look at the player list for the NFL. If you are looking for some abstract or down right bizarre names that’s the list you should be looking at. The names range from those that just appear to be misspelled like, Waine, Kevan, Shawntae and DeQuincy to those whose origins could come from anywhere in our solar system.
I don’t know what the origins of first names like Travian, Flozell, Alshermond, Antuian, or Jerametrius are. Hell, most I can’t even pronounce. With last names that are obviously not of foreign origin, like Smith, it sounds like their parents were having a field day. If these names do have some sort cultural significance and are not just made up gibberish it makes me wonder, why such hard to pronounce names?
Think about it, how many new immigrants do you know who have come to this country and have adopted American sounding names that are easy to say or are at least recognizable to the masses just to assimilate into our society? Why would you give your American born child a name that is guaranteed to have the opposite effect? Think of how many times during their life they are going to have to repeat and respell their names for teachers and everyone that they talk to over the phone. I would think by the time these kids turn 15 they would have some of the most irritable personalities you could imagine. That is unless the have developed some sort of major sports prowess. Then, of course, everyone will remember their name.
But what got me thinking about all of this was, like I said at the beginning of this little tirade, were the celebrities. It seems that with every birth to a musician or actor, names like John, Robert, Cindy, and Susan just won’t do. It’s seems that for any two celebrity kids to have the same name is strictly verboten. Some, I must admit, do stick within the parameters of reality and some are right there on the edge, but beware you could end up with a Paris Hilton, which is every father’s nightmare. By the way, according to an interview she just did with Barbara Walters she wants to have kids in the next two years. Whether she means it or not remains to be seen. When she does have children, I can hardly wait to see what she names it. Maybe she will continue with the European city motif that her mother started with a name like Vienna, Berlin or Frankfurt.
I have to fault one of my all time favorite musicians, Frank Zappa, for letting the genie out of the bottle in such an outrageous way that everybody else’s name pales in comparison. It takes a lot of balls or a completely insane mind to name your kids Dweezil and Moon Unit. I’m sure that whenever a dad wants to give his kid some weird name he is the bar that is pointed to.
So let’s see, we have the always-bizarre Michael Jackson and his kids Prince Michael, Paris, and Blanket. Honestly, you can’t be surprised by anything he does. Just having him as a father means there will never be a normal public moment for the rest of their lives. So the names in this case are a moot point, but notice the progression as far as the weirdness factor goes. If he has any more kids maybe he will stick with the bedding theme with names like Pillow and Comforter.
What kind of name do you get when you have a couple that, despite the fact they have been together for years, people still say “what?” when they see them together. I am of course referring to the odd couple of Courteney Cox and David Arquette, well you get the name Coco of course. Maybe it was a compromise between her love of perfume and his for chocolate. Madonna has a four-year-old son named Rocco that, in the future, might hook up with Coco. They could become that generations Ben and Jen or Bennifer as the tabloids called them, Rocco and Coco could be Rococo.
Model Elle MacPherson thought a good name for her son would be Arpad, fellow model Claudia Schiffer chose the thoroughly modern Clementine for her daughter and Kate Hudson and husband rocker Chris Robinson thought that the name Ryder would work if their son followed in either parents’ foot steps. Tea Leoni and David Duchovny obviously had some problems in the spelling department when naming their son, Kyd.
Just recently it has gotten even better with the birth of Julia Roberts twins. She picked a couple of names that haven’t been used since the early 1900’s, Hazel and
Phineas. Phineas? Believe me when I say it could have been worse. The trophy for the worse name given to a child has to go to Gwyneth Paltrow, who obviously had an axe to grind with her mother, Blythe Danner, over her name. So how do you get even? By not picking a name that includes the letters Y, T, or H in it of course. So what name out of all the names in the world did she choose? Apple. Well I guess we have entered a new era and I’m not sure it’s a good one. Fruit as a surname for some reason just doesn’t sit right with me.
It would be like a new fruit coming along and naming it Richard, I think I would have a hard time swallowing that one.
The Shrub Speaks: I don't view relations as one that there's a score card that says, you know, well, if we all fight terror together, therefore, somebody owes somebody something. The White House, Dec. 4, 2004
B.D.’s Response: Well said!
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