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One of these years I am going to learn. That fate is just too powerful to piss off and it must make its presence known to me every once in a while, especially after I have written something that displeases it.
A few weeks ago, while reflecting on the outgoing year, I decided to take 2005 to task. I stated that I was glad to see it go and that it was one of the worst years ever. I was opening my arms to embrace the New Year and not looking back. This obviously did not sit well with the Fate Gods and they started 2006 by letting me know it in no uncertain terms. So Mr. Dunn you think that year was bad? Let us show you what bad is all about.
The year began with the “Fence Situation.” Twenty five years or so ago, when the property to the South of me became a block of two story condominiums, a brick wall was built between my back yard and the condos. Unfortunately they didn’t build the wall high enough. When people walked along the walkway on the condo side of the wall they had a clear view straight into our house. Not only that, it posed a security risk in that anyone could jump over the wall from the condo side. So many moons ago Fiberglass sheeting was put up to block the view and act as a deterrent.
This worked well for a long time until the first day of this year when a section of the deteriorating wall, which had a metal security guard attached to the top, collapsed. Somebody bumped into it from the condo side causing it to fall towards my yard. Its weight, being no match for my wood and Fiberglass, caused a chain reaction taking down not only the section that it fell into, but also damaged the rest so badly that I had to take it all down.
The second day of the year was spent with my family cutting up and down the remainder of the fence. We spent the entire day cleaning up the refuse when all of a sudden something strange happened while I was reaching up to cut down part of the fence. I started to feel dizzy. I backed off and sat down for a few minutes and the sensation went away. I went back to work and everything was fine until about an hour later when I was just walking up the pathway behind our house. It came out of nowhere and it was though the world went on tilt, kind of like being in a funhouse. Once again I took a seat and again the problem went away.
It stayed away for the remainder of the day and night and I just chalked it up to old age and over exerting myself. That was until I woke up early the next morning. The second I opened up my eyes it was like there was a carnival going on in my head. Not only had the dizziness returned with the unbalanced feeling but now every time I made the slightest head movement I felt like I was spinning out of control.
My wife was still asleep and had at least an hour to go before she had to get up for work so I decided to let her sleep and see if these feelings would go away like they did the day before. I thought this was a good idea. I also thought it was a good idea to get out of bed and try to walk to the kitchen. The second idea was not a good one. I could barely walk and hit a couple of walls before I got the drift that unless I used the walls for support instead of banging off of them like a pinball I wouldn’t be going anywhere.
Over the years I have spent a lot of good money at amusement parks to achieve this sensation, but there I knew that the feeling would only be temporary. The best way to describe what it feels like is for you to imagine the most intense spinning ride you have ever been on, then multiply it by ten. Then imagine it doesn’t end and it wasn’t.
All of a sudden I started to panic and my arms and face started feeling numb. I began imagining all sorts of things and to be honest, after a while, I thought I was having a stroke. As I have mentioned in the past one of my least favorite places to go is to the doctor. Just above that on my list is the emergency room, a fact that my wife knows all too well. So when she woke up and the first words out of my mouth were “I think we need to go to the emergency room,” she knew something was seriously wrong.
So day three of the New Year was spent in the emergency room of Arcadia Methodist Hospital. It was just great to lay there for hours with my head spinning, having my blood drawn a couple of times, x-rays taken, and the grand finale of having a CAT Scan done. Boy this is just dandy, and I still didn’t know what was wrong with me and if the doctors and nurses knew, they weren’t saying.
Finally after some prodding by my wife, and it was only prodding, she didn’t go all Shirley McLaine on the staff, the doctor came in with his diagnosis, Labyrinthitis. What? Some believe that Labyrinthitis is an inflammation of the inner ear canals. These canals, located deep inside the inner ear, help control balance, and bring on the Vertigo. With this disease the doctors are at a loss as to what causes it and how long it will last, but it can be somewhat controlled with a pill called Antivert and time. As of this writing I am still not 100% but I am almost there. So to any of you that happened to see me from afar during this period of time, although I was walking like a drunken sailor, I wasn’t drinking at 10 a.m. in the morning.
As always seems to happen, over the next few days whenever I told anyone about my little disease everybody has either had a bout with it or has known somebody that had it. So why had I never heard about it, was it some kind of secret? I wish someone had shared this knowledge with me for had I known I wouldn’t have panicked and ran to the ER. I would have waited and gone to see my regular doctor, Dr. Clarizio. So I am sharing this knowledge with you now so that you can learn from my mistake. Hopefully that bit of good Karma will pay off later on this year.
The second week of 2006 I thought had to be better. I mean how could it get worse? Well let me tell you, the Gods of Fate weren’t done with me yet. I was up late on the evening of the 10th, a week after my trip to the ER, and was feeling a bit hungry. So I go to the kitchen and begin opening a can of vegetables. The can opener is the electric type that hangs under the kitchen cabinet and I have been using it for years. When the cycle is complete the can usually is held in place until you release it. Usually is the key word here.
On this night it didn’t and when I see it begin to fall I go to grab it. Then, like a bad low budget horror movie, the jagged edge of the lid of the can continued to spin like a horizontal table saw. It caught my right hand thumb and for all intents and purposes sawed the end almost completely off. It began spurting blood like Ol’ Faithful as I tried to quash the river of blood with paper towels. Eventually I got it under control and leave it safe to say I didn’t have much of an appetite after that. I guess that’s one way to lose weight, diet by mutilation.
My wife suggested going to the ER to have it stitched immediately but given the late hour and the fact that I had an appointment with Dr. C the next day I decided the best thing was to go to bed and let him take care of it. The Gods of Fate had finally beaten me into submission and I was crying UNCLE.
So even though I don’t ever make them, and it is a little late, I think I will make a New Year’s resolution. I will do my best not to judge a year before I see what the next one has in store.
I think I’ll be safe with that one.
The Shrub Speaks: There are SBA loans for this. And I understand for some the word SBA means Slow Bureaucratic Paperwork. I hear it loud and clear. Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, Jan. 12, 2006
B.D.’s Response: Dubya, did you really hear it loud and clear? You're spelling out SBP.
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