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I don’t know what they think they are doing. Who do they think they are coming into our area without so much as an invite or a thank you once they are here? The more of them that show up the more people get upset at their presence and the tensions in the areas that they have been invading are beginning to rise.
They are costing cities money in the form of excess use of public services and they are disrupting the daily lives of the residents. The communities are at their mercy and it doesn’t look like they plan on stopping their assaults anytime soon.
Their communication skills are, well to be kind, lacking. I have seen them ignore all forms of authority and refuse to cooperate with the police. In fact, when ordered to stop, they all, without exception, have turned and ran. They lead their pursuers on dangerous chases that can last days. Maybe the communication problem stems from the fact that they don’t speak English, which as we all know, can lead to problems.
It’s not that these interlopers won’t speak English, it’s that they can’t. The other part of the problem is that nobody in any of these communities that are affected speaks bear. With as many as we have seen lately maybe they should get a translator.
I don’t have to tell anybody who lives in the foothills of the San Gabriel and San Fernando Valleys that we have been deluged with renegade bears. All you have to do is turn on your TV set to any news report and you are going to be seeing a bear running down the paved streets of some foothill community. Sure a bear cruising around Altadena is unusual, but it hardly warrants being the lead story on the news.
I may be a bit jaded as far as bears are concerned. Every year on my trek to my “Nirvana to the North” we see and have to deal with bears. The ones we get there are usually much bigger and to be honest a bit more bold and aggressive than the ones getting all the coverage on the local news. The ones invading the foothills by most accounts are teenagers.
While we all know teenagers can be a pain in the ass at times, basically they are just being mischievous with a little bit of attitude. There is a bit of difference between a teenage bear sitting in a tree munching on avocados, or taking a dip in a pool, and a fully grown black bear ripping the screen off of your cabin to eat what you left on the counter in your kitchen. So to the people in the foothills and the news reporters who are all worked up about these little invaders, relax until they start getting destructive.
Yes all bears can be dangerous if you confront them or do things to attract them to your general vicinity. So far, nobody has been stupid enough to start trying to feed or pet them, which is a good thing. But these are the Southern Californian suburbs and it is only a matter of time before one of these bears shows up in the yard of some dumb ass who fancies themselves as some sort of bear “expert”.
When that day comes, and at this rate it will be soon, we will be seeing something on the news that is truly newsworthy, like somebody being mauled by try to have their picture taken with the bear or trying to kiss it. These of course would be those “experts” who developed their expertise by watching Yogi Bear on the Cartoon Network or reading a PETA article on how to cuddle a teenage bear.
When that happens, we will start having demonstrations with people wanting armed patrols around the national forests protecting the foothill communities from these evil beasts to keep them from harming our unsuspecting citizens. Next will come a radical right wing group who wants to take it one step further and build thirty-foot walls around the terrorized communities in order to keep the bears out.
This, of course, would be followed by an onslaught of left wing groups who would want to protect the bears’ rights. You would have the Citizens’ Rights for Unloved Mountain Bears or CRUMB for short, because we all know how bears love crumbs. Gloria Alred would have to get involved on behalf of the female bear contingent. And to make sure that nobody said anything even slightly offensive about the bears we would have to have the Bear Anti Defamation Defense or BADD.
Whew, what a nightmare. I can barely imagine such a thing happening, can you? So what is it that brought us to this point? Why in the last few months have these seemingly docile creatures, who normally wouldn’t interact with human beings, chose to begin an exodus into the human world? If before a year ago they were sneaking into our foothill communities why wasn’t it reported with the same fervor that it has been lately? What was the catalyst for this sudden weird behavior on behalf of these furry woodland creatures?
Why the approaching date of doom - 6/6/06 of course. It is after all the sign of the beast and as I mentioned earlier, despite what the members of BADD may say, bears are beasts. Gigantic hairy beasts with long claws and big sharp teeth, capable, if provoked, of tearing a human being apart. Even though they are not the same as a Rotweiler dog or jackal, Satan’s beasts of choice, maybe he’s branching out to other members of the animal kingdom. I mean a bear is a lot bigger than those two and according to recent news reports a lot more menacing.
With all of the hysteria generated by the opening of the remake of “The Omen” it has me thinking that maybe there is something there. Leading up to the release of the movie, prompted by the numerous billboards that wallpaper the landscape, people were going absolutely nuts about this thing.
Expectant mothers were having their pregnancies induced early so they could be secure in the knowledge that they wouldn’t be giving birth to the antichrist. Other people, who really didn’t know what the prophecy was all about, thought that the date somehow signified the end of the world. My favorite waiter in the world, Ricky at Edward’s Steakhouse, was absolutely terrified about what Lucifer had in store for us on that day.
Just to clarify, for those of you who are religiously inclined or otherwise, if indeed the son of Satan, or the antichrist as he is better known, was born last Tuesday we would have a good twenty years before we would have to deal with any of his shenanigans. Not only does he have to grow up first, but then he has to also attain some sort of political, religious, or global power before he leads us down the path to hell. I mean come on, didn’t you see the sequels to the original 1976 movie?
The fact that we all survived last Tuesday without bursting into flames proves my point. So to all of you religious zealots out there you can relax for now. Nothing happened, and with a little bit of luck, the prophecy of 666 means that the date refers to 6/6/2106. By that time we will all be dead and it really won’t matter, because we will all be safe in heaven. Well most of us will.
But Satan, if that was you, good one with the bears.
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